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PERFECTIONISM :THE HIDDEN ECHO OF SEEKING LOVE
Spellbound by Perfection: The Soul's Quest for Timeless Love
Anastasia Mouzina
November 02, 2023
There is a rhythm in our hearts, a silent song that thrums deep within our souls. This melody is shaped by experiences, by shadows of the past and hopes for the future. And for some this melody whispers"Be perfect, and you shall be loved."-
image by James Victore
The Hidden Connection: Why Do We Aim for Perfection?
Think about it: When did the idea of needing to be "perfect" first settle into your mind? Was it when you felt like love and affection were conditional, tied to achievements or certain behaviors? Over time, this idea can grow into believing that love—whether from family, friends, or romantic partners—must be earned. In a sense, striving for perfection becomes your currency to buy love and approval.
Root Causes: Where Does This Come From?
The feeling that you must be perfect often comes from past experiences where love or acceptance was conditional or lacking. These experiences train your mind to think: "If I do everything right, if I'm perfect, then I'll be worthy of love." This belief can keep you in a never-ending loop, one where you're always striving but never quite feeling like you're enough.
That was me from a very young age.🙂
And it went on and on for many years.
Psychological studies have consistently shown a strong correlation between experiences of trauma and the development of perfectionistic tendencies. According to research published in the "Journal of Anxiety, Stress & Coping," individuals with a history of emotional trauma are more likely to exhibit perfectionistic behaviors. Such behaviors are often coping mechanisms, a way to exert control in a world that once felt—or still feels—chaotic and unsafe.
In another study published in the "Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy," perfectionism was identified as a common response to childhood emotional neglect or abuse. This type of perfectionism isn't about achieving excellence but about avoiding further emotional pain. In this sense, the drive for perfection becomes a shield, albeit a heavy one, that we carry through life.
The Mask of Unfulfilled Desires
We often wear perfectionism like a mask, hoping that the world will see our impeccable facade and love us for it. But beneath that mask lies a fragile heart, one that has learned to associate love with achievements approval with flawlessness.
When someone feels compelled to work excessively for love, they often become trapped in the dangerous cycle of perfectionism. The world may commend their efforts, but their inner self is crying, as it recognizes that genuine love is not based on conditions. Love is not a prize for perfection but rather an acceptance of imperfection.
Shattering the Illusion
Feel the weight of these words as they sink into the depths of your consciousness, wrapping around your thoughts and guiding you toward a new realization. Breathe in, and let the truth fill your lungs: Perfection isn't the path to love; it's merely an illusion that distorts reality.
The Wounded Prodigy
While striving for perfection might seem noble, it comes with an emotional cost. In a world that often equates success with worthiness, the message gets distorted: "If I'm not perfect, I'm not good enough to be loved or valued." This belief can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. The irony? By seeking perfection to make ourselves more lovable or capable, we might be doing just the opposite—alienating ourselves from the very love and connection we seek.
🚫 The Bond
Trauma leaves an emotional fingerprint on your psyche like a black hole absorbing the light of your self-worth. It may whisper that any flaw, any mistake, could lead to abandonment, heartbreak, or failure. Over time, this whisper becomes a loud, unyielding narrative. And the armor of perfectionism? It serves as both a shield and cage—defending you from potential hurt while holding you back from true joy and Authenticity.
These are the underlying whispers of a perfectionist:
Approval & Connection
Approval & acknowledgment
Approval & Safety
OUR MISSION: Create Sovereign Humans with a toolbox of techniques and guidance to gain control over your choices and actions, leading to desired outcomes.
Some ways that can manifest are:
"The People Pleaser"
How it Looks: A person may become the ultimate "people pleaser," saying yes to everyone and every task. They might exhaust themselves trying to fulfill these promises flawlessly, believing that perfect execution is the only way to gain or maintain love and approval.
The Underlying Fear: The thought process usually follows: "If I don't please everyone perfectly, they'll leave me or won't love me anymore."
"The Withdrawer"
How it Looks: The person might avoid social situations or meaningful tasks altogether. The idea here is that if you don't try, you can't fail. You can't be judged, and thus, you can't be deemed unworthy.
The Underlying Fear: "If I try and fail, my flaws will be exposed, and I'll be rejected or abandoned."
"The Overachiever"
How it Looks: This person aims exceedingly high in all endeavors—career, relationships, and personal goals. They can't settle for average because, in their eyes, average is akin to failure.
The Underlying Fear: "Being just 'good enough' isn't an option because 'good enough' won't earn me the love and security I crave."
"The Controller"
How it Looks: Here, the person seeks to control every situation and every outcome meticulously. They'll plan and replan, double-check, and triple-check, all to ensure nothing goes wrong.
The Underlying Fear: "If I lose control, bad things will happen, and it will all be my fault. Then, no one will want to be around me."
"The Emotional Chameleon"
How it Looks: This individual changes their behavior, opinions, or appearance based on who they are around. They become what they think others want them to be, striving for perfection in this assumed role.
The Underlying Fear: "My true self isn't good enough to be loved or accepted. I need to be perfect in the role I think others want me to play."
Perfectionism is the most paralyzing form of self-abuse. It is an avoidance tactic to avoid negative emotions, rejection, and failure.
The problem is that this DOESN’T WORK!
🔥 Strategies to Break Out
So, how does one escape this enthralling yet exhausting maze? How does one transcend the hypnotic yet hollow hymns of perfection? Ah, this is where the real alchemy begins.
Recognizing the nexus between trauma and perfectionism is the first step to healing. Understanding that this relentless pursuit of perfection is merely a response to past wounds allows for a profound shift in perception. Here's how to venture beyond the veils of perfectionism:
Illuminate the Void: Acceptance is the beacon that lights up the dark recesses of trauma. Recognize your trauma and give yourself permission to heal, understanding that your worth is intrinsic and not based on external perfection.
Spiritual Connection: Foster genuine relationships where you can be vulnerable and share your imperfections without fearing cosmic abandonment. In authentic connections, you'll find the universe isn't as indifferent as it seems.
Redefine Perfection: Transform your understanding of perfection. Instead of seeing it as flawlessness, view it as embracing and growing from imperfections. Let it be about progression, not obsession.
Seek Guidance: Sometimes, life is too vast to navigate alone. Consider therapy or counseling to help address deep-seated traumas and reshape the narrative around perfectionism.
(If you would like to work with me, contact me here )
Embrace Authenticity: embrace your whole self — the brilliance and the shadows. In that embrace, you'll discover that perfectionism isn't a shield but a chain, and Authenticity is the key to breaking free.
Closing Thoughts
The love you seek is not at the end of a tireless quest for perfection but within the sacred sanctuary of your own soul. You are not broken, and you are always Perfect.
After all, who are you to judge the most perfect Creation of God? YOU …
“It is only ‘apparently’ that a man confronts external obstacles, or meets enemies and adversaries outside himself. In reality, the antagonist is always the materialization of a shadow, a dark part of ourselves that we neither know nor want to know “
Remember, the road to freedom begins with challenging fixed ideas. Join the movement of those who dare to question, create, and reshape the world by simply asking, "What if?"
🔄 Share & Encourage Others
If this edition resonated with you, please consider sharing it with friends and family. In a world of constant noise, let's spread the message of introspection, curiosity, and the courage to question and achieve our potential. Challenge someone you know to rethink a belief today!
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See you next week
Anastasia & the against Fixed Ideas Team
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